I’ve moved

With power of horse and insight of owl

You probably arrived here looking for Jazzminey Crone Chronicles.  I moved my blog over to a self hosted web site.   I still use wordpress.  This is a wordpress.com site.   To go to where all the action is you need to go to:

http://jazzmineycronechronicles.com

Hope to see you over there.

BTW, If you signed up for an email subscription to my blog on this site you will need to sign up all over again at my new site in order to continue to receive all the latest and greatest from the crone jazzminey.

Thanks for stopping by and see you there.

This too shall pass

Well, it’s Wednesday, December 28^th long past the time when I normally post something.  I don’t have any pearls of wisdom, any wonderful stories with learning lessons.  One would think I would, after all we just went through a big holiday where family gets together, where thoughts are turned to peace, love and joy.  I’m not saying that those things aren’t true for me.  Yes, the family got together at our house Christmas Eve.  All of our children were here with their partners and children.  All except for one.  For me his presence was missed and I wished things were different and he could be here.  But life is what it is.  However, my brother joined us this year, which helped fill that void and all the grandchildren were together for the first time since Gavin was born 15 months ago.

All in all the day went well.  I made too much food.  Baked tons of cookies.  Mike bought a case of Coca Cola made in Mexico where real sugar is used and it is packaged in glass bottles.  Every one got along.  We laughed, talked, ate.  We exchanged a few gifts.  There were no family drama’s going on.  Least not that I could detect.  I think everyone put whatever issues they may or may not have on hold and actually enjoyed the time together.

So, what’s the problem, what’s missing?  Why am I sounding so, shall I say apathetic?   And am I really apathetic?  I just described a nice family gathering.  Well, truth be told the holidays do stress me out a bit.  It usually starts with Halloween.  Once Halloween is over, I see Christmas decorations all over, the radio stations play Christmas music exclusively.  I rush towards Thanksgiving making arrangements for a dinner.  Trying to make everything just right then move on to shopping and preparing for Christmas.  After all that time spent  preparing, shopping, anticipating, worrying, definitely worrying, getting ready for that one day, and then its over.  It’s as if I was running a hundred miles an hour and stopped cold by a brick wall.  I’m knocked on my keister, dazed, shaking my head trying to get my bearings.  I say to myself, what now?  What’s next?  Who am I?  What time is it?  Whaaat happened?

Anyway, It doesn’t help that I picked up a cold on the 23^rd.  It’s still lingering while I type this.  It’s one of those sinus colds with all the pressure and pain.  Of course the temperatures being in the twenties only compounds things, not to mention it being pitch dark outside by 5 o’clock.

I don’t know, is it the after Christmas blues, the cold, the short days, the sinus pain?  Will it all feel so much better once January is here and the New Year begun.  I usually feel a boost in January.  Time to start anew, begin again.  Every day the days are a bit longer.  I can get stalled out again in February but January is usually pretty good.  So with that said it is time to take the advice I give to others.  Be kind to myself, be gentle and compassionate, let myself go through this time, it is perfectly understandable.

This Too Shall Pass.

With a little help from my friends

A supportive friend

As I mentioned in my last post I will be changing my blog.  Right now I am using WordPress.  I will still use WordPress just the full version.  It won’t happen for another couple of weeks yet but you will know when because things will look a bit different.  But not too different.  Just a new and upgraded kind of different.  The reason I am mentioning it now is to let you know that to get to the new blog you don’t need to do a thing because my domain, jazzmineycronechronicles.com will be the same.

When I first started my blog I bought the domain jazzmineycronechronicles.com.  My reason was in case the blogging thing worked I would move over to a full version of WordPress.  So then the logical assumption would follow that blogging is working for me, that I am successful in my blogging efforts.  So now I’m wondering do I really think I am successful?  It’s not like I’m a blogging sensation or anything.  I guess it all boils down to how do I measure success.

I thought for me to be successful would be for me to post at least once a week.  But in addition, I hoped some people would like what I wrote, maybe they thought it was interesting, or it was a bit amusing, maybe someone thought about something differently because of what I had to say or maybe, just maybe, someone was inspired or even felt a bit understood when I wrote about a difficult time or feelings.

Those things would be hard to measure.  Not everyone feels moved to post a comment.  However, some of you did post a comment.  And every time I received a comment I was giddy with joy.  A person or two even clicked the like button, which is just as cool.  I then can assume that for all those who posted a comment or clicked the like button there are some who liked what I wrote without responding because WordPress has a little app that lets me see how many views my site gets and it is more than those who responded.

Based on comments, likes and views I feel like I have been successful.  Granted my blog didn’t go viral.  I mean I’m not famous or anything.   It is small.  However on WordPress’s support page titled Get Famous: boost your readership it says,

With hard work and time, your traffic will increase. (And even if it doesn’t, that doesn’t mean you’re not an awesome blogger — as long as you’re enjoying your blog, you’re successful.)

I must admit that is true for me.  I am enjoying it.  I hate to admit it because I sort of felt deep down there that I should not really enjoy myself unless I get approval from some outside source.  That somehow, somewhere along the line I decided that enjoying myself was bad, very bad.  If someone said to me, hey, it’s ok to do that, or that’s a good idea then it was acceptable.

After I would finish writing a post, sometimes I amused myself; sometimes I came to an understanding with myself, all of the time I expressed myself using my unique voice.  From all the learning and lessons in my life up to now I understood that everyone on this planet is a unique individual with his or her own distinctive talents and abilities and that following ones heart makes use of those talents.  In fact I just recently read a quote from Nelson Mandela in Stretching Lessons: The Daring That Starts from Within by Sue Bender “The world will not fall apart if we let ourselves express our vastness.  It is more likely the world will stop falling apart when we do.”

So, I am doing just that, following my heart, expressing myself from my heart, enjoying the process and believing that my doing so will help “the world” from falling apart.

So at this time I would like to thank all those who visited my blog, commenter’s and lurker’s alike. You fill my heart with joy.  I would also like to take this time to wish you all a joyous holiday season.

Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks

Making connections

I do here tell that to keep the old brain cells young and in top working condition it is good to learn new things.  I did just that six months ago when I took on the momentous task of blogging.  Thanks to all my computer literate, or should I say genius, children, I know my way around computers and various programs.  I just needed a bit of information on blogging that I got from WordPress All-in-One For Dummies.

After reading the book, I understood that there were two ways to go with blogging using WordPress.  One way, the simpler way, was to sign up for a free account at wordpress.com.  With wordpress.org I would have to get a web hosting service and download WordPress, install it, deal with spam on my own, handle my own backups.  But the benefits would be that I could use plugin’s and dig into design, maybe, kinda, sorta.

I choose wordpress.com for its simplicity and the fact that it was a good deal, free!  I told myself that if I actually stuck with blogging and didn’t get scared, turn tail and run, which seems to be my MO and I have to admit I came close to it a couple of times, I could change over to wordpress.org later.    It was rough going.  I needed to be my own best friend and stick up for myself with the part of me who thinks she’s protecting me by keeping me down.   I blogged a bit about my struggles.

WordPress.com was pretty straight forward for me although it did take me awhile to get the hang of a few things like putting Flickr on my side bar along with a Facebook badge and a calendar to access my archives.  I switched themes a couple of times and figured out how to change the background color.  All in all it has been fun.

Cherished Gift from a Precious Child

I have four grandchildren.  Three came along when I was in my mid to late forties.  The fourth one arrived last year when I was 60.  It is completely different for me being a grandmother in my 60’s as opposed to my 40’s.  I think I have come into my own and am able to appreciate my newest grandson’s growth with a steadiness and relaxed point of view.  I still had more growth, more emotional work to do when I was in my forties.  Maybe being a grandmother in my forties is too young like being a mother in my late teens and early twenties.

Mike and I take care of Gavin who just turned one year this September three days a week.  Since Mike took an early retirement and I am not working outside the home, on those three days, we devote our time to him.

What I am aware of taking care of Gavin is his sweet innocence, insatiable curiosity, unwavering trust, boundless energy, immense capacity for joy and super strong self-esteem.  I can’t help wondering where I would be today had I received half of the love and attention growing up that is showered on Gavin by those who love him.  Something tells me Gavin is giving me a gift here.  I can feel it.

I think Gavin is teaching me that I needed to go through what I did while growing up to learn to trust after my innocence was exploited, to learn love after being abandoned and treated with hatred, to find joy and peace after living with violence and cruelty and to regain a healthy self-esteem after having my sense of self trampled on.  I think finding innocence, love, joy, peace and self-esteem after having them stolen adds a new dimension.  Kind of like experiencing warmth after having been cold or sense of relief after having a bad scare or experiencing spring after a long hard winter.

I am not sure that it is in everyone’s divine plan to need to experience a traumatic childhood or that it is necessarily everyone’s divine path.  I do know that it is/was my path because it is/was the one I lived.  I believe that Gavin’s path will be far different and that hopefully my learning what I needed to learn will be passed down and he can move forward to other life lessons that don’t require so much suffering.

My gift from Gavin is to see and experience vicariously what being shown love at an early age looks like, the effect it has on the young child.  And by witnessing this, I feel a deepening of my recovered innocence, love, joy, peace and almost self-esteem.  I “get” my lessons instead of understanding them.  I have what Oprah Winfrey calls an Aha! moment.

Let me share with you the wonder of Gavin.  Gavin wants to experience it all.  When we take him on outings like to story time at the library, shopping, out to eat or just for a walk in the stroller he approaches the time with enthusiasm.  I have a little video I took of Gavin when we went out to eat at Famous Dave’s.  He loved the atmosphere with the pictures and objects on the wall.  He was sociable to all who stopped by to admire his unique cuteness.  He moved to the jazzy music and he was captivated with the crayons and paper he was given by the host.  This is Gavin experiencing  life unencumbered.

Spirit of the Season

This is a bit of a long story which I broke up into two parts.  You can read one or both.  For your convenience, I made a break point between the two parts

I did the black Friday shopping thing.  This is probably my fourth year doing that.  I always thought it was for serious shoppers.  Then I discovered all the good deals on things like sheets and towels.  Before black Friday our towels were more than fifteen years old.  They were small thin and white and I am ashamed to say pilfered from the local Y by our sons.  Sheets?  Well any sheets we had were the cheap kind that developed little balls or nice one’s I bought from my sister’s rummage sale.

Once I discovered black Friday I replaced all of our skinny white towels with colorful, big, fluffy luxurious towels that I got for 3 bucks a piece.  And now we have soft smooth 400 thread count sheets that fit the bed without using little clips.

I started my own private tradition of going through the ads on Thursday, comparing prices and making a list.  Last year my 14-year-old granddaughter stayed over after our Thanksgiving meal so we could go through the ads and ads and shop together.

While going through the ads I kept saying, “What I don’t need is towels.”  I repeated it a couple of times.  After much more paper shuffling and discussion about what turned us on I said, “Hey, Em, Do you remember what I don’t need.”

“Towels,” she shot back.

“That’s right,” I said smiling and we both laughed.  Towels were always such a big deal for me not ever having any decent ones and not willing to spend up to $15 on a towel.  Now, I had them oozing out of my closet.  Mentioning that I didn’t need towels was a thrill for me.  Anyway, It was a great experience shopping with my granddaughter.  We each had our list and branched out when we hit the store texting each other about where we were and what we were doing.

Emily: where r u  (Emily uses the texting short hand)

Me: I am in purses. Where are you?  (I text in complete sentences with punctuation.)

Now is your opportunity to take a brief intermission.

A Child of God

You are a child of God and deserve all the gifts that are given.

I did something I never thought I would do.  In fact, I never knew I could do it but once I did it, I have to tell you it was a relief.  What am I talking about?  I pulled a post.  As far as I can tell only four people actually viewed.  That in itself was a relief.

One night, I woke up after only two hours of sleep at around 11:30pm; two days after I posted this upsetting blog, which at the time I thought was pretty good and I thought I made a terrible mistake.  I sat up in bed wide-eyed feeling the blood drain from my face.  I crept out of bed and quietly left the bedroom with my husband safely sleeping  closing the door behind me.   At the kitchen table, I powered up my laptop and I discovered much to my delight that I could just click unpublish and it would go back to being a draft.  As simple as that and I wasted no time.

But wait, I thought.  When I publish something it immediately gets posted to my face book page.  I raced over there and yep; there it was on my profile.  I clicked on it hoping it would be a dead link.  I watched, heart sinking, as the page for that post loaded.  Then much to my relief, I found the little button to unpost.  All was right with the world, or so I thought.

I was relieved to have recovered what I thought was my grievous mistake but I was still wound up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I played solitaire.  We let our house get cold at night.  The thermometer is set for 64 so in order for the heat to kick in, the temperature in the house needs to go down to 63 degrees. There I sat in my pajamas in that chilly house no bathrobe playing solitaire like a crazed person.  My hands and feet turned ice-cold and I crawled back into bed at 4:30 after having played solitaire for over five hours to warm up and hopefully fall asleep.

I did finally fall asleep before six getting maybe three more hours of sleep.  That day I felt like the walking dead from lack of sleep and from going over in my head what I had done, not the unposting but the posting of the blog.

I suppose if you are reading this you may be wondering what I am talking about.  What did I say that was so wrong?  Well, it’s not that I think it was wrong actually.  I was discussing my feelings around one of my sons.  His life is not going well and I was feeling sad about it.  I guess what I was hoping was that by putting it out there he would receive some compassionate energy.  Every little bit can help, right?  The night I woke up, I thought that maybe what I wrote and the way I wrote it wasn’t adequate enough to help others understand.  Instead I feared I would be creating confusion and maybe even hurting my son in the process.  The last thing I want to do is create more problems for him.

This whole thing lead to a downward spiral about my writing and my blog and even myself.  I berated myself and I cried for a couple of days.  Yesterday, what came to my mind was my old standby affirmations.  I have two of them.  I haven’t used them lately but now was the time.  One I crafted in a workshop.  I took my negative self-talk and turned it around.  What I came up with was:

“I am a wise and intelligent woman regardless what anyone else thinks.“

I needed to have the last part in there because I would counter any affirmation with what I thought others thought.  And of course, one cannot be liked by everyone so I needed to neutralize that thought.

My other affirmation is one that was given to me at another workshop.  In this workshop after sharing with a partner, we came up with an affirmation for one another.  When I received my affirmation, I felt an immediate rush of good feelings.  This is what she gave me:

“You are a child of God and deserve all the gifts that are given.” 

That affirmation spoke to me on so many levels and it feels good writing it now.  I carried it around with me but now there is no need.  It is engraved in my head hopefully replacing the lies I tell myself.

The final thing that helped me out was watching Jenna Avery’s Writer’s chat broadcast last night.  She said many wonderful things but there were a few things I wrote down because they seemed to address the issues I was facing.  She said fear is at the heart of resistance and that I need to

Be willing to be who I am.  Be willing to be wrong.  Be willing to give myself permission.

She also said that I need to be willing to have the courage to speak from my heart, my truth.  Now she didn’t say that last thing in those exact words but that is sort of summing things up.  So with all that in mind, here I am, back at the keyboard, for better or worse, good or bad, this is me.

P.S.  I also received encouragement from my wonderful husband Mike, my brother John, my friend Ann, and my new blog friend Pam.  Which just goes to show it takes a village to pull someone out of the hole. 

Hello, God? It’s Me, Pam, a Guest post by Pam Bickell

Note:  Pam Bickell from Notes Along the Path is an established blogger.  I respect what she has to say.   Sometimes I feel like she voices what I feel.  When she posted this I thought this very thing and so I decided to make her my very first guest blogger.  I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did.

My life journey has been about looking deeper and wider and higher for a relationship with our Creator. I’ve asked a lot of questions along the way:

Who are You? Who am I? Are You Love or Judge, or both? Are You male or female or the Light in the world? Are You whomever we each need, or are You the white-haired, white-bearded man in the sky? Are you a Mother Goddess or the God-man born in a manger? Are words necessary in our relationship, or is it the feelings between Your heart and our hearts that count? How do I know what is true, by which I mean the bottom-line, no-other-place-to-go, beginning? Don’t we each believe we know the bottom-line of who You are? Is warring over our convictions what You want us to do? Do You become discouraged by what we humans do to each other?

Are heaven and hell here on Earth—with us reaping the results of what we have thought and done? Or, after our physical bodies die, are we sorted and filed to one place or the other? Is the assignment for eternity, or do we experience a time for reflection and then rebirth to try again to be Loving human beings? Is Earth the only habitable planet in the universe? We’re not alone–right?–with millions of other planets out there. We are individuals but not solely because we’re all connected to You and through You with all of life, right?

Why are You so different in the New Testament from the Old Testament? Do you want us to believe You punish your bad children with floods and volcanoes and plagues, or that you are a loving Father who teaches us how to walk the walk? Why do most religions say you are a Heavenly Father with no heavenly mother? Is this why so many men around the world dominate their wives and children using fear and abuse? Are woman equal creations in Your eyes and if not, why?

You advise us not to ‘store up riches,’ but for those who do desire money and lots of stuff, is it better to ruin other people’s lives to gain treasures, than to steal and kill to get them? Do you grade us, something like schools do, A-F? Do you like the A-students better than the F-students? Is it correct that we can’t do anything on our own, draw even a breath without You? Or find our soul mates, or be a good person without You? Are planets living beings? Is Mother Earth our mother? What do You think of all our gouging, cutting, flattening, garbage-piling and using the Earth up?

Is it possible for every person on Earth to be forgiven their karma, healed by Your Love, and we all move on together to higher ways of living? May we pray for this? If not, why not? Are there any of us who haven’t already lived multiple lives, failing miserably in most of them? Why can’t we dump the eye-for-an-eye ways that have grown so old and repetitive and begin again in Loving relationships with You and all of life?

Just wondering, Father/Mother/Universe/Love/Great Mystery. Just searching for answers to life’s most important questions.

My Search for a Vision Continues

I was up around 5:30 am and itching to leave Mustang Island, ready to leave it all behind.  Well on one level anyway.  Part of me was still holding on to the disillusionment, which showed up as fear and guilt.  This trip was my idea.  We were spending money we don’t have.  If we just went to see family, then we wouldn’t have needed to go that far south.  What if the car broke down all because I had to go to Mustang Island?  This kind of reminds me of the setting my sights on encountering an owl.  I was going to do a vision quest and decided that I had to see an owl.  Again not getting what I expected was sending me into a tailspin.  I really needed to consciously breath and release because my old habits of berating myself were getting in the way.  Poor Mike had to suffer through over a hundred of miles listening to me repeat all of the above.

The drive from Mustang Island to Palmetto State Park took all of three and half hours, which means we arrived nice and early at nine in the morning.  Our spirits were back when we entered the park headquarters, well, at least mine were,  Mike was doing better because I was.  The lady behind the counter was welcoming.  I shopped cute park souvenirs while Mike paid for our site.  We choose this lovely site overlooking the San Marcus River.  Mike was happy that there was a trail leading down to the river and he could fish.

View from our chairs.

We set up our tent and screen porch.   We arranged our chairs at the cliff overlooking the river.  Our spot looked inviting.  It was calm, peaceful and beautiful.

At night we heard crickets, coyote’s, cows and owls.  On the first evening I walked up to the bathroom and heard an owl nearby.  Another night an owl perched in a tree right above out tent and hooted.

“Did you hear that,” I whispered to Mike.

“Yeah,” he whispered back.

I giggled.  “It’s right over our heads.”

We listened to it call a few times when at some point it must have taken off.  We didn’t hear it leave.  We just stopped hearing it call.  Now if you read my It’s the Owl post you’ll know that that is just what I hoped for during my vision quest.   I lay there in the sleeping bag smiling to myself.

I dozed off and woke to more owls.  This time it sounded like thee owls coming from different directions.  It was like a symphony.  I was delighted.  I knew at the time I was being given a gift but I didn’t fully take it in.  I was just enjoying the moment.

Now that we are home I looked up owl yet again.  On Daily OM: Nurturing Body, Mind and Spirit web site I found this:

Fully integrating the medicine of the owl into spiritual existence is a matter of considering how we might open ourselves more fully to the wisdom that can be found in the larger universe

The article goes on to say that if I should find my efforts blocked in integrating owl medicine that it is important to keep in mind that owls werenot always considered the icon of wisdom.   Some humans have held prejudices against the owl probably due to their night-time hunting abilities.  And to:

To reveal those hidden elements of the self that impact your life for better or for worse, you must often make your way through the darkest parts of your soul as if you yourself are the nocturnal hunter. There is indeed darkness both inside the self and outside the self, but like the owl you can transcend it by drawing nourishment from the insights you receive when you penetrate it.

I take this to mean that to fully embrace my gifts of seeing the unseen, to be able to look into another’s soul and see the truth and also to be able to see the truth in myself and embrace that I need to face my shadow side, the parts of me I have pushed away, locked away.  The parts of myself that I fear.

I read somewhere that the impact of a vision quest can go out as long as a year or more.  I am thinking that this trip is a continuation of my search for a vision, an answer or awareness to how my life may eventually be of service and what my inherent gifts are that I can make use of for the benefit of life on this planet.  I can see more and more that the owl is my guide.  Now all I have to do is accept the challenge the owl is giving me, face my deepest fears.

Learning the Dolphin way

Note:  I couldn’t get this out in a reasonable amount of ‘wordage’ so I did the more tag thingy.  This way you can read half or go the for full reading.

Our dream beach vacation

After leaving Caddo Lake State Park, TX heading for Galveston Island we were feeling life sure was grand.  What with the great day mining for crystals in AR and our luck at getting a campsite at Caddo lake, we were sure we were leading a charmed life.

However, it took longer than we thought to get to Galveston Island.  We were hot, tired and crabby.  I was so done with driving.  The terrain was flat a few smallish trees scattered about.  Depending on one’s mood the landscape could be considered as desolate and bleak as the drive across North Dakota on Highway 2.  But our moods were still up so it felt like an exotic tropical locale.  The campsites at Galveston Island were not fantastic but acceptable.  Each site had a stone shelter over the picnic table.  We didn’t pitch a tent. After all we were only staying for one night. Our van has a bench seat that folds down in the back and is just big enough for the two of us.  I am about 5’7” and Mike is a bit shorter than I so it works for us.

It was three o’clock in the afternoon and while the other people who pulled into the campground the same time as us were setting up their tents, we went on the beach.  The surf was gently rolling.  The beach was clean and went on for ever.  The sky a perfect blue.  Angie loved the salt water.  We romped and ran in the water together.  It was good.

That nightwe set up our chairs and watched the stars looking for constellations, however, we’re clueless when it comes to astronomy.  It seemed the big and little dipper were everywhere.  The air was moist, salty and with a slight breeze.  We slept with the back door open in the van to bathe in that cool breeze, that is till it got too chilly.

We were up before sunrise ready to begin our grand adventure to Mustang Island but first we sort of wandered back to the beach.  I took a bazillion pictures of the sunrise.  Angie found a large ball and was chasing it.  Everything looked good.  We should have stayed there.  But no, we had to go to Mustang Island.  We had to revisit happier times when we were there 15 years ago when Mike said, “When we come back, we are going to ride horses on the beach.”  And now I was saying, “This time Mike, lets rent a four-wheel drive and drive on the beach looking for the ship wrecks.”  Yeah, we had stars in our eyes.  We left Galveston Island smiling all dreamy-eyed.

It took nearly 8 hours to get to Mustang Island.  We went through Houston and took highway 59 which is being worked on to become the new Interstate 69 corridor.  Around Sinton we veered off to highway 181 so we could take the free ferry over to the island from Port Aransas.  The ferry was fun.  We laughed about how cool it was and I kept saying we were at Port Your Anus because that was what it sounded like when Mike pronounced it.  Mike spotted a dolphin.  I looked over and saw it before it was never to be seen again.  According to the Working With Animal Spirit Guides web page, some of the wisdom that dolphin brings is:  change, wisdom, balance, harmony, communication skill, freedom and trust.  I think the dolphin was bringing us a message.  We were not thinking of that now, for now seeing the dolphin only meant the beginning of great adventures to come.