I did something I never thought I would do. In fact, I never knew I could do it but once I did it, I have to tell you it was a relief. What am I talking about? I pulled a post. As far as I can tell only four people actually viewed. That in itself was a relief.
One night, I woke up after only two hours of sleep at around 11:30pm; two days after I posted this upsetting blog, which at the time I thought was pretty good and I thought I made a terrible mistake. I sat up in bed wide-eyed feeling the blood drain from my face. I crept out of bed and quietly left the bedroom with my husband safely sleeping closing the door behind me. At the kitchen table, I powered up my laptop and I discovered much to my delight that I could just click unpublish and it would go back to being a draft. As simple as that and I wasted no time.
But wait, I thought. When I publish something it immediately gets posted to my face book page. I raced over there and yep; there it was on my profile. I clicked on it hoping it would be a dead link. I watched, heart sinking, as the page for that post loaded. Then much to my relief, I found the little button to unpost. All was right with the world, or so I thought.
I was relieved to have recovered what I thought was my grievous mistake but I was still wound up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I played solitaire. We let our house get cold at night. The thermometer is set for 64 so in order for the heat to kick in, the temperature in the house needs to go down to 63 degrees. There I sat in my pajamas in that chilly house no bathrobe playing solitaire like a crazed person. My hands and feet turned ice-cold and I crawled back into bed at 4:30 after having played solitaire for over five hours to warm up and hopefully fall asleep.
I did finally fall asleep before six getting maybe three more hours of sleep. That day I felt like the walking dead from lack of sleep and from going over in my head what I had done, not the unposting but the posting of the blog.
I suppose if you are reading this you may be wondering what I am talking about. What did I say that was so wrong? Well, it’s not that I think it was wrong actually. I was discussing my feelings around one of my sons. His life is not going well and I was feeling sad about it. I guess what I was hoping was that by putting it out there he would receive some compassionate energy. Every little bit can help, right? The night I woke up, I thought that maybe what I wrote and the way I wrote it wasn’t adequate enough to help others understand. Instead I feared I would be creating confusion and maybe even hurting my son in the process. The last thing I want to do is create more problems for him.
This whole thing lead to a downward spiral about my writing and my blog and even myself. I berated myself and I cried for a couple of days. Yesterday, what came to my mind was my old standby affirmations. I have two of them. I haven’t used them lately but now was the time. One I crafted in a workshop. I took my negative self-talk and turned it around. What I came up with was:
“I am a wise and intelligent woman regardless what anyone else thinks.”
I needed to have the last part in there because I would counter any affirmation with what I thought others thought. And of course, one cannot be liked by everyone so I needed to neutralize that thought.
My other affirmation is one that was given to me at another workshop. In this workshop after sharing with a partner, we came up with an affirmation for one another. When I received my affirmation, I felt an immediate rush of good feelings. This is what she gave me:
“You are a child of God and deserve all the gifts that are given.”
That affirmation spoke to me on so many levels and it feels good writing it now. I carried it around with me but now there is no need. It is engraved in my head hopefully replacing the lies I tell myself.
The final thing that helped me out was watching Jenna Avery’s Writer’s chat broadcast last night. She said many wonderful things but there were a few things I wrote down because they seemed to address the issues I was facing. She said fear is at the heart of resistance and that I need to
Be willing to be who I am. Be willing to be wrong. Be willing to give myself permission.
She also said that I need to be willing to have the courage to speak from my heart, my truth. Now she didn’t say that last thing in those exact words but that is sort of summing things up. So with all that in mind, here I am, back at the keyboard, for better or worse, good or bad, this is me.
P.S. I also received encouragement from my wonderful husband Mike, my brother John, my friend Ann, and my new blog friend Pam. Which just goes to show it takes a village to pull someone out of the hole. 🙂